An Open Letter To Chick-fil-A COO Dan Cathy - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson edits and contributes to The Skewed Review.

THE SKEWED REVIEW | NEWS & POLITICS | ACTIVISM | RELIGION

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Dear Mr. Cathy,

I am but a lowly consumer who has rarely eaten at a Chick-fil-A (mostly because they aren't in my area), and I'm writing to you in regards to your message of marriage as defined by The Bible.

And, truly, this is a letter to all who continue to try and convince me that The Bible defines a marriage as a union between one man and one woman.

I will always support your right to believe whatever it is you want to believe, Mr. Cathy, as I would hope you would support my right to do the same. However, I would hope in your attempt to be credible you would cite sources that actually support your argument. I would like to suggest you change your source material, since it doesn't actually stick to the definition you claim.

You said in an interview that "[Chick-fil-A is] very much supportive of the family -- the Biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives."

I can only assume that you are in favor of Adam's marriage then--to his first wife, Lilith, and that his marriage to Eve was just fornication, correct? OK, I'm splitting hairs, here. Lilith isn't included in most of the versions of the Bible we use in America today. So obviously her omission from sacred text means she never existed. By no means am I insinuating that early editors of The Bible would have the audacity to remove, add or change text to fit political or personal agendas.

Alright, fine. I am insinuating just a little.


But that's beside the point. Sort of. You're main focus is that The Bible's definition of a family is a man, a woman, and as many children as possible. Well, according to The Bible, the definition of a family is one man and multiple wives. In fact, a marriage between one man and one woman is rarely mentioned in The Bible.

But, starting in Genesis 4:19, The Bible just gets jiggy-wit-it when it comes to polygamy. Check out this first passage that mentions multiple wives: "And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah."

Those are some pretty bitchin' names.

But furthermore, according to The Bible, your wife should pretty much be chosen from a bunch of slaves. How about this passage from Deuteronomy 21: "And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails..."

Well, the verses go on to talk about how your slave wife should "bewail" (a.k.a. denounce) her parents for a month, and then you, the man, should have sex with her in order to make her your wife. But it gets really juicy in Deuteronomy 21:14: "And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her."

Damn, Mr. Cathy. Damn. So essentially, according to this text, if you're not sexually satisfied by your slave wife, then you're well within your rights to dump her. You just can't sell her. The passages go on to talk about first born sons from first wives having all sorts of rights--even if you hate your first born son.

Cool. By the Biblical definition, I am owed half of everything my father owned. OK, I guess I'm on board.

But let's not dwell on old Deuteronomy. Let's move on to the book of Judges. How about 8:30, to be specific: "And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives." The passages then go on to describe his wives as "his concubine."

The list of Biblical multiple wives goes on, and the book literally has men treating their wives as property rather than things they must cherish. There are literally too many famous Biblical figures who practiced concubinism (that's my word, so make sure to attribute it to me once you've adopted it for your own life) to name.

Holy crap! First Kings 11 talks about Solomon with much fervor: "And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines." That tiger!

But this is all Old Testament stuff. I know. How is it relevant to today's nuclear family? Well, uh, exactly? These passages, along with myriad others, fully endorse multiple wives and concubines--without apology. So, technically, that's the Biblical definition of a marriage. This is the same text you draw your laws from that supposedly denounces the love between two people of the same gender. This must be what you believe, then.

So, Mr. Cathy, my message to you is to at least be consistent in your arguments.

Or, wait a minute, in your same interview, you said, "I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about."

Fine, I'll look the other way when it comes to the sheer hypocrisy of this quote, and I'll just assume that you are ordained to speak on behalf of God (henceforth, you shall be known as the High Ordained Chicken Friar). Perhaps you are practicing what you preach. Perhaps we are not privy to your personal life, which, I can only assume, is full of wives and concubines. Slaves and whores. Property and vessels for children.

You're either condemning marriage between one man and one woman by telling us you are adhering to the Biblical definition of marriage, or you're simply ignoring the parts of the Bible you don't like. And you would never do something like that, now would you?

Sincerely yours,
Matthew James Jacobson

So, Chick-fil-A, We Meet Again - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson thinks the only way to stop America's
obesity epidemic is to simply stop eating all fast food.
But, he's not going to impose his beliefs on everyone else.
Matty edits and contributes to The Skewed Review.

THE SKEWED REVIEW | NEWS & POLITICS | ACTIVISM

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I don't get cravings for Chik-fil-A. Actually, I don't crave much fast food. But when the rumor that a Chik-fil-A was going to open in our area started making the rounds, I was surprised to hear how many people were just so excited to finally have one nearby.

Apparently their food is delicious.

But, I'm not necessarily sold on what other people think is delicious. I heard the same thing about Popeye's Chicken, and I wretched when I ate that stuff.

What am I doing? This isn't a food review! This is about activism! This is about discrimination! This article is about gay rights! This article is about defending, wait for it, Chik-fil-A.


"The hell?!" you just asked yourself silently. "But wait Matty, aren't you totally gay?!"

Yes. Yes I am. And I hate it, nay, I loathe it when someone denies me any sort of rights.

"NAY!" 

There has been so much controversy in the news over Chick-fil-A: anti-gay sentiments from its president, Dan Cathy, loss of support from The Muppets, alleged lies by the restaurant chain to cover up said Muppet loss, and denial of new franchise openings in various cities. That's a lot of bird to stuff down your throat--even for me. 

Hopefully I don't need to tell you the story of how Dan Cathy admitted that he pretty much hates the gays. But just to summarize, yes, he admitted that he pretty much hates the gays. 

Now, does this offend me? You bet your sweet buttery buns it does. And I'm not the only one who was offended, obviously. 

The restaurant chain was offering a toy in their kid's meals, which they suddenly stopped offering "due to a possible safety issue." This of course was just one day after the Jim Henson Company announced that it did "...not want to partner with [Chick-fil-A] on any future endeavors." This has turned into an all-out fustercluck. I personally won't draw any conclusions as to the validity of Chick-fil-A's claims, but I will say that I hate getting my fingers stuck in mini puppets.

And just one day before Pioneer Day?! WTF?? 

And now the big issue is that the mayors of Chicago and Boston have publicly announced that they do not want more Chick-fil-As opening in their cities. Both have expressed concern over civil rights and have denounced the antiquated views that not everyone should be allowed to marry the person he or she loves. 

Yay! Good for them! But hold on a second. Let's get back on track here. Remember when I said I hated it when people denied me rights? Well, I'm a supporter of practicing what I preach. Sometimes, I even follow through on that practice! This is one of those times.

We live in a country where it's legal to be and say what you want, when you want, to whom you want. That's why the Westboro Baptist Church gets to run around pretending they're not secretly screwing their farm animals and what-not. It's why I live a block away from an LDS and a Presbyterian church, and yet I'm not being burned at the stake (for those of you in Utah, that was a Mormon joke. Did you get it?). It's why naked men are allowed to march down Folsom Street in San Francisco every year without being arrested.

I certainly deserve the right to marry whomever I want, as long as it's a consenting adult. And Dan Cathy deserves the right to believe whatever he wants, as well. 

Denying a business the opportunity to open because of the business's president's views on marriage equality is bordering on tyranny. If you or I were to attempt to open a business and we were denied because of our skin color, there would be a public uproar. In the cases of Chicago and Boston, there has been a public uproar, but it's wholly in favor of putting Chick-fil-A out of business before it can even start. 

Here's my call to everyone. Don't block businesses from starting. That's just plain wrong, and it goes against everything America stands for. If you hate Chick-fil-A as much as I do, then simply don't patronize the establishment! 

I say let Chick-fil-A pour tons of money into opening new branches and then lose that money when nobody goes to the restaurant. Hell, we could even picket the places! Picketing is fun! Why do you think the Westboro Baptist Church does it so much? I mean, you can't screw sheep all the time! 

"Yeah, baby! Pose for daddy! But
hurry. We gotta protest a soldier
who died so we can protest,"
said Fred Phelps, founder of
Westboro Baptist Church.

The thing is, how do you picket and/or protest something that's not there? 

The bottom line is that denying a business the chance to open based upon our own personal beliefs is literally unconstitutional. It's up to us, the consumers, to make sure we don't spend our money at those establishments after they open. 

Now go. Eat more chicken. Just not at Chick-fil-A.